What’s this you say, Geoff? You’re not a football fan? That’s strange. With your burly frame and background in musical theater, I would have pegged you as a natural fan of the sport!
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am a fan. A HUGE fan. Massive. I follow the sport closely all season. I follow the sport closely all off-season. And not just my team, the long-suffering Washington Whatevertheirnamesarethisweek, who break my heart year after year but who I just can’t seem to quit. No, I follow all the teams and all the stories and all the drama. It’s my sport, and in spite of all its shortcomings and controversies, I love it.
And the Super Bowl. Ah, the Super Bowl! The main event! The title bout! The moment when victors are crowned and legends are made! It’s the gridiron fan’s Christmas! The greatest Sunday in the football calendar!
Actually, no. It is not. And here’s why.
For a purist such as myself, the best Sunday of the football season is Championship Sunday, the final round of the playoffs, where it’s decided which teams will go to the Super Bowl. Championship Sunday has all of the drama and all of the stakes of the Super Bowl, and you get two games! You also get none of the Super Bowl horseshit.
That’s right, I said it. Horseshit. Tripe. Drivel. Nonsense.
I can’t stand it. I really can’t. The idiotic commercials. The mangled national anthem. The gaudy half-time show. Half-time show? HALF-TIME SHOW?! We’re really gonna stop the game to put on a fucking concert?! No other sport does this. And you know why? Because it’s fucking insane! Can you imagine Game 7 of the World Series pausing for 45 minutes in the seventh inning stretch so Lil Nas X can come out and do a set? No, you cannot. And you know why? Because it’s stupid, that’s why.
Ummm … Geoff? Yeah. The Super Bowl is, like, the most watched broadcast of the year. Every year. Year after year. People love the half-time show! They love the anthem! They love the COMMERCIALS, for Christ’s sake! You, uh — and I don’t mean to upset you further, but — you just might be in the minority opinion here.
Yes. Clearly I am. And if you love all those things then I’m happy for you and I hope you enjoy tonight’s event. But I love the game. I want to watch the game. I don’t want to go to a Super Bowl party where everyone talks through the game and then quiets down when the ads come on. It’s completely backwards to me.
I know I have a tendency to be a curmudgeon and I usually try to work against those impulses. But tonight I will be indulging my curmudgeonly tendencies without reservation. I will watch the Super Bowl at home with my family. I will eat bad food. I will text with my brother and maybe a couple other football purist friends. I will not be attending or hosting any Super Bowl parties. I will be watching, I will be enjoying, I will be loving the game.
Unless the Eagles win. Then I might be throwing my TV out the damn window.
Geoffrey Scheer 
Man I don’t even get a shout out for our NFC/AFC Championship days together?!? 👎
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Aw come on, baby. Don’t be like that. You know our Championship Sunday days will always be special to me …
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I could have written this essay myself. Love the game, hate the bullshit. I fucking hate the half time show!! I loathe the commercials. But old friend, this year there is something GOOD for you on SBS: you now reside on the west coast!! Where the game airs at a normal time and you aren’t staying up super fucking late on a school night. So, take that win and enjoy it. I’ll be suffering up late as I’m the idiot who moved back east.
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You know, when we first moved out here I thought, “Oh, no! Football starts at 10:00am? How is that gonna work? I can’t start drinking before noon!!” Turns out I can. Just swap out beers for Bloody Marys!
Yeah, it’s a rough Monday ahead. Maybe use that 45 minute half-time to forge some “doctors’ notes” for the kiddos?
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